


it's the things that you don't say that hurt the most

by ztazziia



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Ending, Carlos is stupid, Death, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, I suffered writing this, I'm sorry for this, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Missed signals, Mixed Signals, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, also death is not detailed, but so is lando, this is based off of carlos leaving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24760945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ztazziia/pseuds/ztazziia
Summary: it's usually easy for the two to keep a conversation going and usually, lando would want nothing other than to spend time with carlos but things have changed and lando can no longer tell carlos just how he feels. he can only hope that carlos can pick up on the signals that he's giving off. however, carlos has never been good at picking up on signals.or, lando has been in love with carlos for the longest time and he can't deal with the news that he is leaving.
Relationships: Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr
Comments: 13
Kudos: 54





	it's the things that you don't say that hurt the most

**Author's Note:**

> i'm trying to get back into writing so of course, i had to start with my favourite pairing.  
> hope you enjoy! :)

The news should not shock Lando. In fact, Lando should have been more than prepared to hear the dreaded words leave Carlos' mouth and travel through the wavelength into his ears. But he could never have been readied to receive the news that the person he was closest to and the only person he felt a true connection with was leaving him. It was the way that Carlos worded it that truly hut Lando the hardest, the way that the Spaniard's voice dripped with excitement and hopefulness as he delivered the news that broke the young British boy's heart. He didn't have the same excitement when he told the younger that he was staying for the 2020 season at McLaren, was he not satisfied with Lando as his teammate? Was he not satisfied with seeing the formers face almost all the weekend? 

Surely the older would miss the late-night hotel room dinners they had, or maybe even the sly little touches of the knees under the table at the post-race debrief. What about the calls that Lando would receive at 3 am from the other, telling him how he couldn't wait to get back to racing after the summer break and how much he missed seeing the other's cheeky face. Perhaps Lando was stupid for thinking that such trivial things mattered to a man like Carlos. After all, he could get anything he wanted when he wanted. Any girl that was in their right mind would not pass up the offer of spending some time with the more than slightly attractive man. 

Lando's heart hurt as he congratulated his teammate on the big move to Ferrari, he even said something about sharing a podium to the older man who didn't even realise that it's a reference to the promise they made on the first week that they met each other. As Carlos spoke his usual farewell down the phone, Lando couldn't help but wonder where he sat with the Spanish driver now. He muttered a quiet cheerio before he watched his phone screen turn back to the wallpaper of him and Carlos on the podium at Interlagos. 

That day was one of the best in his life, seeing not only his teammate beaming from extreme happiness but also the whole team, he couldn't help but feel elated alongside them. He longed for another day like this to occur, perhaps even him getting his own podium but it seemed as if he was almost cursed with the exact opposite type of day today. He had set his phone screen to the picture of the two to cheer him up when he faced the most dismal days but now it did much more bad than good. The picture of the teammates drenched in not only rain but the sweet and somehow bitter champagne reminded him that all good things come to an end. 

It wasn't until racing resumed in Austria after the extended break that the news sunk in for Lando. He had spent most of the days leading up to the return of the sport wallowing in his bed, only coming out to train, eat and shower. He didn't want to be exposed to what everyone was saying about Carlos or what the fan's opinions on the move were. It only really hit him right in the place where it hurt when he walked into the media room on Thursday and he saw the face that had been haunting his dreams sitting at the press table. 

The questions for his teammate were all centred around one thing, Ferrari. Do you think you can win the championship with Ferrari? How do you feel about partnering up with Charles? When and how was the decision for you to leave McLaren made? Lando watched with saddened and sunken eyes as Carlos cheerfully answered every single question, the older not holding back about his excitement and how thrilled he was about the move to the Italian team. It almost made the younger feel sick as he listened to yet another sugary sweet response from the man of the hour. Did he have no remorse about leaving Lando? Surely Lando wasn't the only one torn up about the departure of the Spaniard that he grew to adore? 

He didn't know just what to expect when he walked into the garage on Friday, he was prepared to just get on with the first two practices of the season. He thought maybe everyone would just be their normal selves, getting the beloved papaya cars ready and looking at the data that they had gathered of the track. He didn't expect everyone to cheer and congratulate Carlos as he walked in mere seconds behind the younger. He thought everyone wouldn't make a big deal until they got to the last race of the season but apparently not. Carlos, of course, went around the garage and received hugs, compliments and well wishes from the team that truly adored the tactical Spanish driver.

Lando didn't pay much attention to the commotion, he just simply wanted to get on with the race weekend. He wanted to get everything over and done with but most of all he wanted to just go back home and crawl back into his bed of despair, hopelessness and longingness. He didn't want to have any type of interaction with the man that he both loved and hated at the moment, but as Lando knows not everyone gets what they want. Just as he was ready to head up to his driver's room and get prepared to go to free practice, the man that everyone was talking about pulled him back by his shoulder.

"Not even going to say hi to your teammate?" Carlos' voice still sounded the same as Lando had heard it a month ago on the phone, the same Spanish accent that made butterflies appear in Lando's stomach was present and the same cheeky tone was laced through the words that left Carlos' mouth.

The younger could only reply with a weak smile, he wasn't sure what was going to come out of his mouth if he opened it to respond to the man in front of him. He may have lashed out at the older, telling him that he was being selfish and was only thinking about himself. Or, perhaps he might've have copied everyone else and congratulated him, spouting fake sweetness so everyone could gush about the perfect friendship the duo had.

"Lando?" Carlos questioned him, the confusion was more than present on his face and for once Lando could sympathise. The British boy was the only one from the team not to congratulate the elder in person so he too would've been confused if he was lucky enough to be in the other's shoes. Yet Lando couldn't summon the words that everyone else had already said so he simply just patted the elder on the back and rushed past him more than eager to escape the interaction between him and the man he had fallen in love with.

Lando has always loved racing, from the day he first learned how to drive a go-kart around a karting track until now, race day at the Austrian Grand Prix. The thrill that he got when he divebombed down turn one ready to try and battle his way to the front was matched to no other. Despite the thrill, the young twenty-year-old had always had good awareness and was exceedingly good at avoiding crashes with the rest of the cars on the grid. 

Which was why not only Lando but also his engineer were both so confused as to why he had spun out and into the barriers at turn one. He knew himself it was a driver error and it was more than apparent in the data but he couldn't help but let his childish tendencies takeover as he balmed it on the Haas that he was side by side with on the entry. He had gotten tired of all the talk about the car and how the brakes were and the suspension and everything that was remotely Formula One related in the conversation so he turned away from the pit wall and smiled at the camera that was filming him to try and gain some reputation from the weekend. As he moped back into the garage, he only just caught a glimpse of what looked to be an orange coloured car overtaking a shiny red-coated one.

The tears fell the moment the door to Lando's driver's room slammed shut. The sudden shake of the motorhome jolting the young man and causing the tears to freefall and roll down his pale and sickly looking face. His trouble sleeping was apparent as his dark circles and eye bags were soothed with the feeling of a wet warm liquid as it ran over them. He couldn't help but sob, the ugly feeling of sadness and heartbreak gnawing away at him and causing his whole body to shake. The British boy sunk leaning against the door to his room, the door being the only thing supporting him as he was in no shape to stand. He wished the feelings would go away, he felt guilty as he should be happy for Carlos. He was living the dream by going to one of the top teams in the sport but Lando had always been selfish even when he shouldn't be. He hung his head as the memories of the more than perfect man that was his teammate flooded his mind. 

It was only snapshots of the past year but they still meant the world to the young man who was currently broken with the thought of leaving Carlos. One of his favourite moments with his teammate was the night after the French Grand Prix last year when Carlos insisted the pair go out for a couple of drinks which eventually ended up in the two of them singing karaoke in a random bar in Le Castellet. Another was testing at the start of the year, the two being asked to do ridiculous things for the media but Lando still enjoyed it as he was spending his time with the man he cherished the most. One of the things he loved most about Carlos was how he always checked up on him even on Christmas Day when he received an unexpected FaceTime call from the Spanish man, his face filled with cheer as he wished Lando well before he watched him opened the present that he had gifted to the younger. 

Perhaps an hour had a passed or maybe even three but Lando was not aware of the time, only being summoned back into reality when he heard a rather harsh knock at the door. He jolted up before rubbing his face in an attempt to rid any signs of the torment he had just gone through. He didn't know what or who to expect because as far as he was aware, his weekend was over and he should be leaving to catch a flight back home soon. He could think of a handful of people that would want to talk to him currently, but he never thought that the man standing in front of him would want to conversate with him or even look at him. Lando's eyes scanned the other' shoes, the compulsory race boots were still present on his feet. His blue and green-tinted eyes travelled up his body, his eyes skipping over the race suit that was tied around his waist. He took a breath before lifting his head so that he could meet the other's eyes, he stared soullessly into the man's eyes who showed concern with a hint of confusion.

"Lando. What is going on with you?" Carlos questioned as he stepped into the room, brushing past the other and sitting himself down on the small couch that was present in the corner of the room. He kept his stare with Lando, tilting his head to try and get some kind of reaction from the boy in front of him.

But Lando never replied, he simply sighed before shutting the door the man had left open. He turned to met the other's eyes yet again and felt his heart crumble more than just a little bit. Oh, how he would miss the beautiful tones that the Spanish man's eyes contained.

"Are you not going to answer me?" Carlos raised his tone slightly to try and prove just how serious he was, "I'm being fully serious Lando. What the fuck is going on?"

The question received yet another sigh from the younger as he raked his hand through his light brown hair, pushing the curls out of his face. He knew he could never tell Carlos just how selfish he was being right now and how much he was currently resenting the other for leaving him, "What are you on about?"

"No way," The elder of the duo scoffed before squinting his eyes at the other, his facial expression getting across just how frustrated he was feeling with the British boy that was currently in front of him, "You're acting so weird. First, you completely ignore all the looks I gave you during my questions with the press then you brush me off on Friday in the garage when you couldn't even congratulate me and now you're hardly even giving me the time of the day when I'm trying to make sure you're okay!"

Lando couldn't believe the words he was hearing right now. Of course, Carlos was only worried about him because he was not fawning over Carlos like he usually would be. He wasn't giving him the compliments of how good his driving was and how amazing he had been in qualifying. He knew it wasn't because of anything else. Hell, Lando could be dying but as long as he was acting nice to Carlos, the elder would never suspect anything. At least, that was how it had been the past couple of months.

"Carlos, I'm sorry." He gritted his teeth before continuing with his reply, "I'm so glad you're leaving. You'll be great at Ferrari. I'm just going to stay here and keep doing my own little thing."

"What is that meant to mean?"

"It means what it means." Lando's eyes wandered to the only recently closed door of the room, hoping that Carlos would get the signal that he wanted him to leave but then again the elder had never been good at picking up signals, "Well, I have to get ready for my flight home."

The other narrowed his eyes at the younger, "Whatever, be safe."

The next couple of months were the worst in Lando's life. As the team flew to Italy, Hungary, Spain, Belgium and so many other countries the thoughts of the inevitable were still prevalent in the British boy's mind. Even as he came fifth at his home race he couldn't stop thinking about everything that was going on. His press officer having to shake him back into reality a multitude of times. He celebrated with the team and lapped up the compliments but all the while he couldn't focus on anything anyone was telling him as it didn't matter to him. As everyone talked about how well the team was doing, Lando sneaked out and got ready to drive back home.

At Spa, he was nagged all weekend about how he must not be training hard enough if he keeps losing so much weight but Lando just shrugged off the remark assuring his trainer and his engineer that he had just been feeling under the weather lately. Everything just seemed so very normal apart from his and Carlos' so-called friendship. The younger had stopped receiving late-night "Let's play FIFA!" texts and he had stopped sending Carlos a text in the morning to make sure he was awake and wasn't going to be late for whatever he had planned for the day. If you were the media or the rest of the McLaren team everything seemed fine as Lando had perfected covering up his true feelings and everything wrong a long time ago. But that didn't mean that Lando wasn't miserable and torn up with everything that was happening in his life. 

"Yeah, okay. See you next week."

Lando placed his phone on the bedside table before pulling his bedsheets back over his head, falling back into his dark dismal cave where his thoughts were the only thing that mattered. His head pounded as his fragile mind was filled with everything that he was going to miss. A subtle yellow glow of the Spanish sunrise that he watched early one morning with Carlos. The time when the duo laid in bed while they watched a dark grey sky filled with violent strikes of lightning pour over the city of Budapest. The way that Carlos would always give Lando tips on where he could get more time on the track and where there was extra grip even though teammates were supposed to keep these things a secret. Even something as simple as how the elder would drag out Lando's name whenever he shouted on him and how he would hold on for a couple of seconds, Lando's name dripping off of his tongue. 

He remembers the hopefulness that he felt during those days, it felt like he had found his soulmate. Someone he could spend the rest of his life with or even just the rest of his Formula One career. But he was being silly, childish and immature. Carlos was straight, always banging on about some Spanish girl he had met the week leading up to the Grand Prix. Lando could only sit and listen to the story of the date that the elder had gone on, he wished that one day it would be him that Carlos was bragging about. But not all wishes come true and out of all people, Lando should've known this.

Abu Dhabi. The highly anticipated season finale. Media day came and went as did the practices followed by qualifying and soon enough it was race day. Lando didn't know what to feel as he pulled his blue and orange race suit over his very underweight body. He was elated as the season was finally over, he could eventually move on but yet he was sad, miserable even. This was the last time he would see Carlos, and heaven knows that Lando was going to miss the Spainarid massively.

As he pulled his balaclava over his face, he stared into the mirror right at his sunken eyes. The dark circles were so apparent that you could see them from miles away but the young man didn't care. He sighed before grabbing his helmet and his water bottle and heading out of his private room. He looked over at the matching car to his, the Spanish man already situated in the car. Carlos was more than likely raring to go, it was his last race with McLaren so he was looking to score some big points here. The noises of mechanics and engineers getting everything ready filled Lando's ears, he savoured the sound that was like white noise to him before pulling his helmet over his head and jumping into his car. He was ready for this race to be over and done with, ready for the season to be over and done with and ultimately ready for his partnership with Carlos to be over and done with.

Lando watched the big screen as he weighed himself on the scales after the race, he watched as the orange car of his teammates paired with one of the famed Ferrari cars done doughnuts on the home straight. He couldn't even tear his eyes off of the screen as he watched Carlos clamber out of his car and hug Charles Leclerc, his new teammate. He wondered if their friendship would be like how his and the Spaniards used to be. Would the elder now phone his new teammate as he walked into the paddock, gushing about how excited he was to race? Or would Carlos laugh dramatically at some stupid pun that Charles made? Maybe Carlos would find comfort in having a new friend because he wouldn't have Lando to lean on anymore. He gave a weak smile to the other drivers as he headed back to the garage, all the while still watching the large television screen that showed Carlos heading up to the podium. 

He traipsed back to the garage, got changed out of his sweaty race gear and headed out the back door ready to make the small walk back to his hotel room. At least that was the plan until he bumped into Carlos on the way out of the garage, the older still beaming from the excitement of being on the podium once again. Lando offered the man in front of him a small smile and planned to just walk past him before Carlos put his arm in front of him, blocking the path he was planning on taking.

"I guess this is it, Lando. Thank you for being such an amazing teammate and for supporting me these past two years. I owe you a lot." The elder of the two announced, looking only slightly down at the Brit that was before him. He gave the other a toothy smile as he waited for the other to respond.

"Yeah... It's been good."

"It's been great." Carlos beamed, still in awe of the fact he had finished in the top three, "How was the race for you?"

An afterthought, that's the one word that described how Lando felt. He was always an afterthought when it came to the Spaniard. Never fully taking up the whole of his thoughts, only taking up a small slither. He would never be the first person in Carlos' world. He would never be the other's main priority, he would always be shoved to the side and dealt with when Carlos could be bothered. Or maybe the elder would finally reach out to Lando when he wanted some compliments or when he wanted someone to gush about him and tell him how amazing he is. And Lando just can't live with the fact that he always is second to anyone that Carlos holds close.

"That's not important." The younger sighed as he looked up and met the mesmerising hazel eyes of the other, "Enjoy the celebrations. Goodbye Carlos. Maybe I'll see you again."

They say you feel the loneliest when you are surrounded by four unfamiliar walls and your deadly thoughts but in Lando's case, he feels at peace. He was blessed with talking with Carlos and staring into the eyes of a man that he had fallen madly and deeply in love with before coming back to his room. He stared at the wallpaper of his smashed up phone, the photo of him and his favourite person that must be burned into the back of eyes due to the amount of time he had spent staring at it in times of despair. Lando lay on the hotel bed and stared at the ceiling as black and white dots danced across it. He felt the feelings of blue, black and grey melt out of him. Every dark colour to exist within Lando's mind was overridden by the feeling of numbness. 

He welcomed the warmth of deadness that he was being drowned by. When he had researched about it online many people said that you feel scared as you go through with it but not Lando, he felt more than at peace. He knew that soon enough the black and white dots would obscure his vison so he struggled but managed to pick his phone up. His bones ached as he finally hit send on a text message that had been waiting to be sent for nearly four months now. The young man lay his head back down. As the clock ticked from 11:52 to 11:53 the black and white dots danced across his line of vision, he simply just sighed waiting for the climax. All of a sudden Lando saw white, just white and only white.

Was this the light at the end of the tunnel?  
Or was Lando simply just misinterpreting things once again?

**TO;** carlos  
**FROM;** Lando

i love you, i love you so much it hurts.  
forever and ever carlos.  
goodbye.  
i love you.

read 11:53


End file.
